Why Is It So Hard To Find Friends.

The Reddit Moment

I was scrolling through Reddit the other day (never a good idea), and I couldn’t help but notice a trend. I kept finding post after post around the same thing, “why is it so hard to find friends as I get older?” I opened a few posts and there would be hundreds of comments agreeing with the same sentiment and others with words of encouragement.

There was a woman who realized that finding friends in her 30’s felt impossible. She was asking people how to find friends. Some were suggesting going to bars, some were suggesting reconnecting with old friends, some suggested volunteering. She was far from alone. There is a confirmed loneliness epidemic happening in the United States right now. This isn’t a problem for just one person. This is a whole generation’s problem that needs to be answered honestly. So it got me wondering, and I think I know why it’s so hard to make friends as we get older.

Why It Actually Got Hard

So why is it so hard? I kept thinking about it and eventually it took me back to the last time making friends felt easy.

When in my life did I have the most friendships? It naturally took me back to my childhood. I had school, neighborhood friends, sports, youth groups, summer camps, clubs. We had structures in place for us to find our people. We naturally became friends with the people we kept running into. Some of it was common interests like sports, but sometimes it was just forced proximity like school. Either way it worked. Proximity, repetition, and shared interests were the secret ingredient to making friends.

Then we grow up and all of those structures suddenly disappear.

Once we leave school and get a job we start to get into the routine of daily life and forget about the structures that were in place to not only find friendships but also maintain them. Think about the average adult who wakes up, goes to work, comes home after a long day and just wants to relax, then goes to bed and repeats the process at least five days a week. I know because that was me for a long time.

Modern conveniences did not help either. Working from home, grocery delivery, food delivery, and streaming services quietly removed what little reason we had left to leave the house. Some of us, if we wanted to, would never have to step foot outside.

So if the old structures are gone and modern life is pulling us further inside, what actually works?

The Bar Problem

Going back to that Reddit post, one of the most common suggestions people offered was to go to bars and meet people. Funny enough, this is the advice I always heard growing up. Adults go to bars. That is where you meet people.

While this may still be true for some, this is probably one of the hardest places to actually meet people. Think about it for a moment. You walk into a bar (no this is not a set up for a joke), you order a drink, you sit down, and you have to summon the courage to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. You are scanning the room looking for someone in your age range. But how would you know if you share a single common interest? Every conversation is a cold start. You are essentially interviewing a stranger and hoping something clicks.

It takes a certain kind of person to pull this off. Most people are not comfortable enough to attempt this and the ones who are probably did not need the advice in the first place. Bad advice for random strangers on Reddit.

So if bars are not the answer what is?

The Frisbee Moment

A few years ago I was looking for people to meet after moving to a new area. I have always loved playing ultimate frisbee so I decided to look for a group in my area. I showed up on a Saturday morning not knowing a single person. Something was different though. It wasn’t hard to start a conversation with anyone because we all had one thing in common before we even said a single word. We all loved the same game. Our guards were down because we were all there for the same purpose and the same shared interest.

I ended up meeting a lot of people. We would meet every week on Saturday, take breaks during the game, and all chat and catch up. It was great. The friendships felt like they grew out of something real rather than out of an awkward cold approach at a bar. Nobody had to search for common ground. The common ground brought us to the same field.

That is the difference between a cold start and a warm start.

Why Shared Interests Work

Here is the truth. Just like in sales, cold calling is way harder than warm intros. Why would we cold call one of the most important aspects of life, friendships? When you walk into a room full of people who share the same interests it is the secret ingredient to forming friendships and the most important one at that. It removes the awkwardness and the pressure.

That is why the best suggestions are not simply go to the bar. It is go to the bar for trivia night. It is join a book club, find a running group, take a cooking class. These are not just hobbies, they are friendship infrastructure. They are creating the same conditions that we once had when we were younger. Remember, proximity, repetition, and shared interests are the three ingredients. This recipe works at any age. It always has. You simply need to find the right room.

Proximity is the activity, shared interest is the ice breaker, and repetition is the glue. Make sure you show up. If you do not make a friend on your first try that is okay. It may take two yoga classes to connect with someone or five weeks of the book club to realize who you could be friends with. It can take time. The process will bring results. You just have to do the work.

Making it easier to find the right room is a big part of why we built Disconnectd.

Just Show Up

I ended up writing on her post and sharing this framework. The cold start versus the warm start. The three ingredients. The idea of finding a room full of people who already share something with you before you say a single word.

She loved it. She said she had been thinking about joining a yoga class and after reading this she was going to give it a try. I encouraged her to go back the following week too.

That is all there is to it. Find something you enjoy. Find a room full of people who enjoy it too. Show up more than once. The rest tends to take care of itself.

If you are in Nashville and you are looking for the right room Disconnectd can help you find it. See you out there at disconnectd.com.